safetypins&iodine,

There’s something about you that I can’t quite put my finger on… there is good and there is bad. I am trying to decipher whether you are telling me the truth, or if I’m filling my brain up with lies all over again, believing all of those beautiful things you say. I am trying to figure out whether I should stay and bother, or run away and forget about you forever. I can’t, I never could. I will always be here for you, no matter the outcome of our ridiculous affair we have going for ourselves. What is it exactly? Are we saving each other for something? I’m terrified of you. I love you.

quick update

1. The cat came home last night when I got home from work. He must have heard my voice or something and out he came from his hiding spot. He was soaked, it was hilarious. He wasn’t all that scared, though - so I have a feeling he enjoyed the outdoors. I’ll get him tagged and neutered and then we’ll see how that goes, if he wants to go outside after that - he’s more than welcome.
2. I have the worst throat/head cold I’ve had all year, it feels like there’s bricks of solid snot stuck in the back of my throat, and half way up my nose - I can barely breathe, it’s disgusting.

i worked a lot of overtime this weekend,

Today, I am upset and worried. There are a couple of things I’m stressing out about at the moment:

1. The cat is missing! He’s either outside (which would be odd, as he is terrified of the outdoors) or he’s somewhere in the house hiding. I will be watching his food dish to make sure that the food is slowly depleting, this way I will feel better about knowing he’s in hiding and he’s still in the house. I’ve been freaking out since 11:30pm last night when I decided to go look for him for bedtime, I always make sure he has some water before I go to sleep until he wakes me up at 5am by shoving his face in his food dish and meowing until I wake up to turn on the tap for him to have a drink. So, I’m sitting here at work wondering if my room mates are going to care enough to take a gander around the house to see if they can hear him, or if they do see him - will they actually call me like I have asked in order to let me know he’s okay? Who knows. We’ll see. I have a sneaking suspicion about the possibility that one of the room mates decided to be spiteful and actually put him outside at some point between 10:30 and 11:30pm last night without the rest of us noticing. I wouldn’t be surprised. He’s become an asshole lately.
2. The jerkface room mate. Something’s up, and it’s annoying me. He’s been losing his temper easily. He’s angry at me (or us) for being straight forward with him about his alcohol addiction, but the rest of it is unnecessary and I am looking forward to moving out. He’s yelled at me enough times I can count it on two hands now since he’s been “trying to quit drinking” (which means he’s only gotten worse).
3. Our heat is cut off. Do you have any idea how much this sucks? Someone hasn’t been making the payments over the past three months. I don’t have the energy to lose my mind about it. I want to have a warm shower. Last night, I boiled 9 pots of water to bathe in.  What. The. Fuck? So, when I get paid at the end of the week I’m throwing $350 towards this bill that I definitely do not owe that amount for, simply because I’m tired of this hell I live in and I am tired of fighting with the room mates. If I can avoid any tension from now until the end of July, I will. Even if that means spending large amounts money on people that don’t deserve it. It’s going to break me again, but - seriously, although it’s starting to get warm, it’s been raining like a mother for the past two weeks, and it’s cold in my house at night. And there’s no hot water. It’s disgusting. On a happier note, the rest of our house bills are looked after and are as low as they should be.

So, that’s my week thus far.

A long term ex-boyfriend of mine is hurting, I haven’t seen him in over three years. We were in love once, but love wasn’t enough for us. We were too young, and I was far too blind to realize that things weren’t working between us. So was he, but we gave it a go (for 3 years), and he was my best friend. We lost touch, but he’s randomly appeared on the interwebs again.

I read a poem he wrote the other day, and it seemed to have started out about me, as he had written it back in June of 2005. He finished it in this blog entry of his (his writing is phenomenal and I will always keep up to date with it as long as he has himself publicly listed, and I don’t think he minds too much - we still get each other, somewhat), and I’m not too entirely sure if it is about me. But the last verse sent chills down my spine as it seemed to have referred to our relationship, and a look he seemed to enjoy experiencing that I apparently used to give him, “a look that says ‘Babe, I’ve got your back’”. This could be about his current ex-girlfriend that just recently broke his heart, but I have to say, that was pretty powerful if it was about me. Because that’s exactly how I was, and exactly how I still am. With anyone close to my heart. I’ve got your back.

And you know, reading that last verse, rather than reminding me entirely of him and our relationship together, it reminded me partly of my current complicated relationship that I have with a very close friend of mine. I love him to pieces, and we want to be together (but he knows I don’t trust him enough yet, and he’s trying his hardest to prove otherwise), but I know he’s not ready - and nor am I. I care about him too much to let us jump back into another flimsy unsure relationship, and if we end up simply being the best of friends - that works out just fine for me, too. He’s too scared of commitment, and he’s still on the thin line of falling into adulthood or back into a childish display of immaturity. And I, I am too scared to fall in love. I fell for him once, harder than I ever have before, and he broke my heart when I realized he wasn’t ready for a girl like me - and now he can’t seem to let me go, nor I him - so we’ve kept our distance, but when we’re together is feels so right.

“I feel safe, and comfortable,” he says to me the other night.
- I was just about to say that…
“I can’t help but wonder sometimes, H. Why aren’t we together?”
- You know why we’re not together.
“But seriously, tell me why. I keep kicking myself in the ass knowing what I did to you last year, and I can’t apologize enough. It means nothing. I want to prove it. I don’t even know why you’re still in my life, how can you even care about someone who hurt you that badly?”
- It wasn’t you, J. The person who was treating me like that was not the young man I met. I realized then that you were going through something, a strange transition in your life, and you weren’t ready for something like me in your life. But you still kept coming back, calling me when you were needing advice, needing to talk to me. We never really had closure. I’m sorry I left you, and I’m sorry you were so angry. But, that was not the young man I met. And I couldn’t be with him.
“I was angry at myself with all that was going badly in my life, and I took it out on you.”
- It happens.
“So, like I asked, why aren’t we together?”
- You know why we’re not together.

He laughs at me and we fall asleep in each others arms. I wake up in the morning and start getting ready for work. He doesn’t want me to leave. He never wants me to leave.

“Just stay, just this once. Stay with me this morning.”
- I can’t.
“Please?”
- I can’t, J. I’m sorry. I have this big project I’m working on and…
“Okay,” he laughs, “I’m a bad influence. Go to work, gorgeous. Give me a kiss.”

I kiss him, and he held me for a couple of minutes. And then off I went bounding down the stairs to catch the bus. He always asks me to stay, and I never can. Either work is involved, or this intense fear of never wanting to leave his side again. So I wake up early and boogy home. He hurt me once, and I don’t want him to hurt me again. So, we’ll see. I like this. I like this occassional affair we have going on. It gives me time to concentrate on the things I want in life, rather than fussing over another person. And he’s doing the same - he’s getting himself together, and I am proud of him.

I really want to find that cat…

on top of the world,

Roaming around the office with absolutely nothing to do at the moment. Actually, I didn’t really roam. I went to the window and took a picture with my snazzy new Sony Ericsson K790 cellular phone. I’ll be going snap-picture happy, that’s for sure. I love photographs. This picture was taken from our floor, and it made me feel like I was on top of the world.

I also bought a new skateboard today. Well, it’s a longboard, but it’s still the same size as my old skateboard, so I’m just going to stick with calling it that. I haven’t taken her for a ride yet, I’ll be doing that tomorrow afternoon after brunch with my father and before I head to work for the evening. A co-worker and I are also planning on taking our boards out on Monday as it’s a STAT holiday for me now that I’m full-time and she’s itchin’ to take her longboard out with someone who’s just as inexperienced as her. I think we’ll have a lot of fun. I’ve been on and off skateboarding for years, but I’m not exceptional or anything. I just use mine to get from point ‘a’ to point ‘b’. Tricks and fancy insanity hasn’t been something I’ve been an expert at, but I do have fun trying and falling on my butt every once in a while. It’s good times. Plus, it’s always something I’ve enjoyed - I think this summer is going to be fantastic. I’m looking forward to it.

What is with these young 18 year old boys hitting on me over the past couple of days? Srsly. I’m getting quite annoyed. I feel disgusting when I look up after a guy says something ridiculous to me and I’m staring at the face of a young boy. It makes me feel creepy and disgusting. I kind of want to slap them in the face. Of course, I don’t. But, wow - I’m 23 years old and I’m still attracting boys? Where are all the men at? Even so, a man hits on me and I glare at him. I’m really not nice about it, either. I feel sorry for some of the people who try to pick me up. It’s just so lame, and I don’t have the time for it. It makes me want to gag. Relationshi(t)s are just not for this girl right now. Sorry, folks.

The Transit Diaries
I decided not to listen to my iPod on my way to work this evening as I was too busy playing with the features on my new telephone. I was sitting in the back, as usual, minding my own business when this rambunctious jerk of a guy sits down next to this younger fellow, they seemed to know one another. I call my father, we’re in mid-conversation when this jerk thwaps my arm and says “he likes you” and points at this younger kid sitting next to him. This jerk has got to be at least 2 or 3 years older than myself, and he’s acting like he’s thirteen years old. I didn’t even give him the benefit of the doubt, I simply raised my eyebrow, gave him the middle finger and kept talking to my father. Two seconds later he starts harassing the girl sitting next to him, and she was a little more outgoing with her reaction. “Don’t f*cking bother me,” and that put a stop to that. Then this sweet girl with piercings all over her face (but I have to admit, they looked good, I kind of wanted to be her friend - she seemed so nice) sits down. She pulls out her iPod.
     “Hey,” he says to her. “How much was that?”
     “Oh, I don’t know, actually. It was a Christmas gift.” She smiles.
     “Oh, nice. It’s really sleek. And small.”
     “Yeah, I like it.” She smiles again and starts to put her earbuds in. She accidentally drops her cellphone on the ground. And he picks it up for her.
     “Thank you,” she says and starts to put her earbuds in again.
     “Can I use that just for not even a minute? I’ll only be two seconds.” What?! He has the audacity to ask this from a complete stranger?! I’m sorry, anyone who asks me to use my phone would get a glare and a half and no response. She’s better than me.
     “But I get charged for it,” she says with a slight smile on her face, starting to get nervous. He started hounding her for it and I could tell she was about to give in and then she looked at me for help, I shook my head and mouthed “don’t do it”, and I think that gave her the courage to tell him a firm “No.”

During the time this jerk was being ignored he was talking to himself trying to gain attention from every girl sitting around him. It was terrible. Anyhow, after he got off the bus, this cute girl looked at me and smiled. I smiled back and we both cracked up. And that was that! Single serving friends, indeed.

dandelions are growing on my lawn

I have a bit of a head ache this morning. I just got out of the shower hoping that would help me out a bit after taking some Advil, but this headache seems to progressively get worse as the minutes pass. I may have to go lay down again for another hour. I should put on some clothes too, I’m sitting here in my towels which are practically falling off of me. God forbid one of the room mates flying up the stairs.

Spoke with my father yesterday. Didn’t particularly enjoy it. Going to avoid calling him for a couple of days. He was incredibly inconsiderate when I was telling him the joyful news, which is odd - very much not like him. I don’t know if he’s in pain again or if he’s just playing too much golf and hurting himself or what, but he sounds fucking ignorant and miserable and I don’t want to talk to him.

I’m buying a longboard today!

anti-social like tendancies, who knew?

I’ve come to realize that I am a lot like my father in some aspects of his personality. The main similarity being the fact that him and I are really anti-social when I think about it. I have known tons of people throughout my lifetime, but I am incredibly picky when it comes to choosing who I want to keep around. My mother was like this as well, and I’m like her in the sense where I can get along with anybody in any setting I can possibly imagine. I always find someone interested in chatting with me, and whom I find interesting myself. My father on the other hand does not get along with everybody, he can be quite intimidating as he has a “status”. He’s very stubborn and doesn’t veer away from the group of people he does associate himself with, yet he doesn’t really involve himself with them if it doesn’t have to do with golf. Other than that, he’s a hermit and a complete anti-social loser like myself.

I wish I was a little more socially outgoing that I actually am, but - I kind of like it, otherwise I would do something about it. I get bored easily, and drive myself stir crazy sometimes wishing I was with someone, but I wait. I’d rather wait than hang out with someone I’m not particularly interested in listening to. I can come off incredibly rude when I’m in that frame of mind. Anyone could, obviously. I also work a pretty strange schedule so my days off are usually spent on my own or having coffee with my father. But, as said in a previous post, he’s into the golf season now and I don’t hear from him much anymore. My girlfriend had her baby yesterday and he hasn’t even had the time to call me back to hear my story. Which I think is kind of fucking ridiculous and inconsiderate, but I can’t say much - I’ve done the same thing to him before as well. He called me earlier to let me know he couldn’t talk. He used to drive my mother insane with his incessant golfing. He needs his daily fix now that he’s retired. That’s all he does. I’m kind of jealous. Haha. It just ticks me off as over the winter every time I dial his phone number he answers, and now that he’s golfing 24/7, he turns his phone off - which is understandable, he’s busy. If there’s something important I want to talk to him about, I can’t. And watch, just you watch - he’ll call me one day when I don’t answer and  he’ll have a little freak-out about how I didn’t answer the phone to let him know I was busy. I didn’t drop everything I was doing to let him know I couldn’t chat.

What a weirdo. But like I said, we’re both the same. So, I’m pretty fucking weird myself.

beautiful baby girl

My best friend, K, gave birth to a baby girl yesterday evening. I received her phone call this morning.

“H?”

“K?”

“I have a baby girl.”

“OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD. Oh my god. Are you okay?”

“Yeah! Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.”

“OH MY GOD. WHAT’S HER NAME. NEVERMIND. I KNOW HER NAME. oh my god. OKAY. I’m … holy shit. Okay. I just… When do I get to see you?!”

“Can you come see me today?”

“YES!!!!!!!!! YES!!! YES! I just… holy shit, okay, breakfast with Dad, go home and shower, and then I’ll be there early this afternoon!”

“Okay!”

“OH MY GOD!!!!!!”

… Yes, I freaked out that much. I couldn’t control my happy tears at all. Not on the bus, not on the train platform, and certainly not when I entered the hospital bedroom. As soon as I saw her laying there with her daughter in her arms, and her man standing there next to her, I lost my shit. I kept losing my shit for about twenty minutes. I’m more than sure it got annoying, but I don’t care. K’s my girl, and there she was - holding a mini-her. I thought about that, and then lost my shit again.

I held her. I was nervous. I’ll hold her again when I don’t feel that she is so delicate. She was not even a day old when I was there. Oh man, she’s the most precious looking thing I have ever seen in my life.

My niece is here, everyone. And she’s the shit. J & K are going to make wonderful parents.

wasting time duringthe late lunch hr.

This girl is overwhelmed with all sorts of emotion these days. I’m not exactly sure what to do with myself because of it. I’ve been sleeping a lot, smoking more cigarettes than usual, coming up with lists of the things I would like to accomplish within the next five years, thinking about the past and becoming quite nostalgic, chatting with my dead Mother about things she can’t respond to, text messaging people I don’t really care to hear back from, occupying my mind with possible random scenarios for the future. You know, the whole girly weirdo thing.

Today is my “Friday”, I’m off work in 2.5 hours and I have absolutely no plans for myself other than listening to the iPod and possibly have a couple of drinks in order to wind down, maybe do some writing. Writing about what, exactly? I don’t truly have anything interesting to write about. I am a confused little girl in this giant critical world. Honestly, I wish it was the fifteenth already so that I could get paid and go shopping. I plan on doing this on Friday and over the weekend. I’m going to spoil myself with brand new toys. I’m buying a longboard for the summer, a new pair of skate shoes, some high heels, some attractive and comfortable clothing, maybe another hair style, make-up, and all that jazz. I like looking pretty, even if it’s just for myself.

My father is quite busy these days and does not have much room in his schedule for coffee dates with his daughter anymore. You see, it is golf season. I won’t see him as often as I would like now until the summer is out and he’s bored with nothing better to do. Ha, silly old man.

infuriated dramatic kissing after the age of seventeen

Random bit of information was presented to me yesterday afternoon that reinstated quite a few harboured feelings from the past. Anger, resentment, love, anguish, desperation. All of those things hit me last night while I was laying in bed thinking about said information. I started crying. Incredibly hard. My tears do not shed this easily anymore. I became angry. I was hurting again, experiencing all of those horrible emotions I had to endure in order to get over what I had allowed myself to become with him. Feeling sorry for him now is the last thing I want to be doing. A young boy from my past is hurting, and although I no longer know who he is, I felt it. I felt it not even two or three days before this information was passed along to me, and I wasn’t surprised. He’s a young man, now. A pretentious young man. A successful young man. He sometimes acts as though he is an old decrepid withering man inside a young man’s body, but he’s not. Sigh. Well, I hope he’s alright. He will be. He’s one of the strongest people I’ve ever known. Hence why I fell in love with him so many years ago in the first place. Jerk.

I was in love with this young man for more than 3 years of my life, and he tore me apart. He dangled me by a string and picked at my sores for months upon months. I let him. And then he met her. He dangled her in front of my face as he still picked at my sores. 3 years later, I get the message from a mutual friend that they have seperated. Am I supposed to feel sorry for him? I do. I love him. I always will. Which infuriates me. I’m so angry. This man makes me angry, he makes me want to punch holes in walls.

I had this dream once where we ran into each other in Toronto, on the street. He sees me passing as he’s sitting with a friend in a cafe, I am in the city for business. His friend tells him to say nothing to me, but he rushes out into the middle of the street. I recognize him. I am with co-workers. I say nothing. I keep walking.

Days later, in this dream, we bump into each other again, at a more promising time to talk. We finally approach one another. He stands there, just like he used to, with his mischevious beautiful smile, his eyes gleaming big and round, his skin looking a bit dryer, a bit older. He says hello. I start to tear up, and try to prevent it from happening. My bottom lip curls, and quivers. I slap him across the face.

And then I woke up.

tappin’ toes to pop songs

Well, today is my birthday. I am officially 23 years old. Weird. I’m drinking a Skinny Vanilla Bean Latte from Second Cup. Don’t I feel posh and pretentious? I called my father this morning and immediately, after he sung to me, confessed how I’m feeling regarding this whole relationship situation. I’m having a really hard time going ahead with all of this, so I’m going to end it.

“Tonight?! He’s taking you for dinner tonight…”

“Well, depending on how badly the conversation goes - yeah, it might be tonight. I’d rather not, as he is trying to do a nice thing for me tonight…”

“Yeah, I understand. Aw, honey, it’s your birthday.”

“Oh, I know. I feel fine otherwise. I just have a guilty conscience regarding this, that’s all. I need to do something soon.”

“Well, you need to enjoy your day. Stop worrying about everything else, and just enjoy it. Promise me that.”

“I promise, Dad.”

Aww, lovely bonding moment shared between father and daughter. He always puts me in my place, just by talking to me he can waive away my worried thoughts and problems within an instant. It’s like he has a magic wand sometimes that he just waves over me. It feels good sometimes.

Update: I admit it. My hands are in the air. I surrender. I was the one who broke a mans heart on my birthday because I didn’t want him to spend money on me as I had previous plans of ending the relationship anyway. I did it. You can all blame me.